We both identify as polyamorous. I'm single, he has a primary girlfriend, a girlfriend, and a submissive who bakes him lavish cakes. Their rules are simple: I cannot sleep in his bed, absolutely no penetration by his penis. \n\nSo, of course, he tells me I should just lie back and he will rub himself on my vulva. After multiple "misshaps" he decides thrusting against my ass is probably safer. [[Apparently it isn't.|boyfriend]]
Later in our friendship, my rapist invited me over for a nude photo shoot. I masturbated and he [[shot stills|letter]]. Later, as I was lounging, he [[walked up behind me|work]] and started wiggling the toy inside of me. \n\nI immedately told him to stop and that I hadn't consented.
One morning he was particularly quiet and down. It turned out his mother had died. We all signed a sympathy card, but I wasn't sure what to write. I felt intensely guilty for feeling gratitude that he wasn't trying to touch me.
When women he had assaulted went public with what he had done, he attempted to use these as leverage.
I realized you can never apologize away [[rape|partners]].
This wasn't new behavior. He would routinely slide a hand around my waist or my lower back, or whistle and sing to me. It increased in frequency when I started avoiding eye contact. I learned to keep him at [[arm's length|death]]. Now I try [[pretend he doesn't exist|wrestling]], just vacant smiles and quickly moving past.
The majority of our sexual contact happened after he'd spanked me and I was floaty and high on endorphins. I know that impaired consent is not consent, but there's still [[that voice|my head]].
I'm kneeling behind the counter at work, fishing for more deli containers to restock the counter. Suddenly there are large, strong hands massaging my shoulders and a singsong "[[mi bonita amgiga|Mario]]." I stand as quickly as I can, disloging our sous chef's grip. My heart is racing and I feel like I'm going to throw up.
When I was maybe nineteen I started sleeping with an older man on my winter break. He knew I was on birth control and would refuse to wear a condom, no matter how much I asked. I would physically resist him until he penetrated me, laughing because he was so much larger and it was absurd and anything else would admit to what was really happening. He said the look of surprise on my face when he [[slid in|panic]] was adorable. He never [[apologized|apology]].
I'm lying on my stomach in his bed. He's leaning over me, grunting, thrusting his penis between my buttocks. I'm bored, but he seemed so excited by the idea. My back itches, covered with his sweat and stray hairs from his chest. Suddenly there is a jolt of sensation. His penis slips past my labia and [[into my vagina|apology]]. It feels good. This is [[not the first time|partners]] this has happened.
In the 2012 election cycle, Todd Akin opines "if it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." Wisconsin representative Roger Rivard shares his father's advice,"just remember, consensual sex can turn into rape in an awful hurry...some girls, they rape so easy.It may be rape the next morning." \n\nThey are repeating the words I hear in my head. There is still [[a voice|victim blaming]] that shouts if it was legitimate rape I would have known right away. It wouldn't have taken me over a year to realize. I wouldn't have tried to placate his overzealous [[apologies|apology]]. I wouldn't have [[kept on seeing him|photo shoot]].
[[Here's Your Rape|bed]]\n\na twine game by nora last\n\nheavy trigger warnings for rape, sexual contact, victim blaming, and coercion
If I heard two other people having the argument my head has I would know immediately who to side with. It would be easy to pick out the victim blaming and the [[myths about consent|after play]].
Here's Your Rape
I still remember frantically googling if oral contraceptives could be used in place of Plan B when I forgot to take the pill. It developed into a routine. \n\n# Insert five tablets before sex, or as quickly after as possible. \n#Pray he didn't notice the orange residue from their coloring.\n# [[Repeat|wrestling]].
Years later I am lying in bed and my boyfriend is fondling my ass. Suddenly my head is full of thoughts of my rapist, Mike. I focus fiercely, repeating over and over in my head that I am not with Mike, [[I am safe|my head]], I am present.